My mom and I were saying goodbye the Sunday after Thanksgiving when our conversation took a prickly turn.

Or maybe it was just me.

Long ago, we learned that looking ahead to when we’ll see each other next makes saying goodbye a bit easier. That afternoon, she and my stepdad were ready to leave our central Pennsylvania home for theirs in Ohio. We’d had a nice holiday visit. Thanksgiving 2019 was behind us.

Our goodbye conversation leapt over Christmas and ahead to events planned for my stepson and daughter-in-law’s wedding. We jumped to April and discussed the table centerpiece decorations for my daughter-in-law’s bridal shower.

My mom and I, her only child, are close. She raised me as a single mom. We are both gardeners who love flowers and design. We often dream in blooms and bouquets. My mom is a master of centerpieces, wins blue ribbons at flower shows and arranged all the flowers for both of my weddings. (Gerbera daisies for my first. Hydrangeas for my second.

For my older stepson’s fiancee, his high school sweetheart who had already been part of our family for a long time, my mom and I both wanted to help create a beautiful setting that would just sweep her away, and make her feel so special.

And to us, that meant gorgeous flowers.

We both envisioned creamy hydrangea blossoms and pale pink rose blooms spilling from vintage ivory pitchers upon pink-covered, round tables.

But what — dear God! — would visually anchor them on the tables? My mom saw square cloths in mauve, or maybe burgundy, below each trio of pitchers. I saw round metal trays, or maybe flat charger plates.

The conversation got a little …testy.

Me: “This is a silly argument!”

My mom: “We’re not arguing!”

Will I See You Again?

Soon, of course, the world shut down and it didn’t matter. Large gatherings were nixed. All the celebrations as envisioned and planned disappeared.

By March 2020, the pandemic had up-ended everything. I worried about our kids. I worried about my parents. To protect our family, in those first few months I even bleached the groceries as they came in the door.

My mom and stepdad were at high risk of severe, life-threatening illness due to COVID. Our conversations focused on essentials, physical survival and mental health. Are you OK? Do you have a mask? Are you getting groceries and medicine? Please stay home. Button up and ride this thing out.

Too many people died horrible deaths, alone in the hospital with no way to say goodbye. I was terrified. I had no idea when I’d see my mom again. What if I never saw her again? Our debate — not an argument! — about shades of pink and shapes under the pitchers that had seemed so important now seemed ridiculous.

This summer, my younger stepson is getting married. As we enter the final stretch of preparations for the celebrations — bridal shower (this weekend), the rehearsal dinner and wedding reception next month — I can’t help but remember all the disruption of 2020 that up-ended our older kids’ meticulous wedding plans.

And I’m wondering about lasting lessons from the collective trauma of those pandemic years. We’ll never be the same. Nor should we.

What did we learn?

I sure as hell hope I learned a lot. It’s hard to look back on that time. But I want to be sure to remember the lessons, the wisdom we gained.

We all went through a huge, painful ordeal in different ways and emerged changed … right?

I like to think I emerged with a greater appreciation for the richness and importance of connection — and to not argue over silly stuff. I like to think this wallop of a reminder that this life is finite and so temporary made me a bit braver and bolder — more willing to double-down and go after my dreams.

I like to think I appreciate simple kindness more than ever, and that I’m placing even greater importance on connection to loved ones, to family and friends who are family-of-choice. Those folks who comfort us through the hardest times. The ones we want to celebrate our milestones with. We missed so many celebrations, so much face-to-face time and so many hugs.

I hope I’m a little more patient, a little less likely to sweat the small stuff, and I know I learned some new tricks to battle anxiety — because I have never been so anxious in my life as I was in 2020 and 2021.

But maybe it’s just that I’m in a new life-stage, a 50-something now, with a “so this is mid-life?!” perspective. For me, a sense that there is plenty of time has shifted to wondering if there will be enough. Time seems to go ever-faster.

Recalling those pandemic days of hanging on and dreaming about gatherings and celebrations and the big family dinners we could not have, I promise to never take gathering for granted again. Our pre-wedding celebrations — the BONUS party in Cleveland, a baby shower and this weekend’s bridal shower — are all the sweeter and I’ve been savoring them.

Sweet Reunion

We were so very lucky. My mom and stepdad both survived, and stayed COVID-free through the pandemic. I got to see them both in September, 2020, when we returned to outdoor visits and spent the day on the patio beside my mother’s garden.

That first, cautious hug my mom and I shared was sweet relief after so many months. We are very close — testy conversations and all.

Our daughter-in-law’s bridal shower was reworked. She and my stepson got married with a smaller number of guests, reworked their wedding plans and postponed the reception. Needing the comfort of flowers, I filled white ironstone pitchers with hydrangea blooms and pale pink roses for the bridal shower, and a few more on their wedding day, when my daughter-in-law had a photo session in my studio. I was honored.

Life propels us forward. They have a gorgeous, healthy little boy now — our first grandchild. And we are enjoying a blissful time in our family, watching as our kids become parents and approaching the wedding this summer of my younger stepson and his fiancée. They just became parents to a beautiful, healthy baby girl. (Here’s a story about the first “Bonus” celebration of their wedding.)

I want to savor every moment of this time.

This weekend, the women from both families will gather, visit and celebrate our soon-to-be daughter-in-law. We’ll take turns holding the baby. We’ll do the essential work of supporting this young couple fully, officially committing to a life together, stepping up to be their support system, strengthening family ties, and forming new connections.

Over great food — and flowers, of course.

Today, I’m arranging white and yellow daisies into wood flower boxes stained an espresso brown for the bridal shower honoring my younger stepson’s fiancée, a new mom.

Once again, I want it all to be perfect and for our daughter-in-law to be swept away by how beautiful everything looks. Once again, I’m trying hard to get all those little details right. They matter.

I’m so grateful to be thinking about shades of yellow, gold and green — not bleaching groceries.

But I’m not arguing with anyone.

I flew solo on this project, since my stepdad has had some health problems and my mom has had her hands full. I’m sure I’ll call her today, feeling very lucky that I can. And I’ll miss her at the shower.

We’ll just have to celebrate at the wedding, when I get to share all the joy in our family — now eight of us — with my mom and stepdad. When I see them again.

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